Thursday, June 13, 2013

Return from Rock Bottom

Yes, I've been M.I.A. for about a month. I've really been struggling (mentally & physically) with my weight gain. I've been feeling totally lost and helpless when it comes to figuring out what and how much to eat. 

    I hate the whole food thing. Buy it, Lug it home, Store it, Decide what to make, Clean it, Cook it, Clean it again, Wrap up leftovers, Rinse and Repeat, Ad Nauseam. There was surprisingly a time when I loved to cook. From this statement you'd never know it!

 Last time I wrote, I swore myself to low carb, well it's a bit of a pain in the ass. While being frustrated about what to eat to stick to the rules. I would instead eat chocolate, cookies, anything sweet and just be done with it. Sweets are just so much easier and create less dishes than whipping up these meals. So, that's what I did. 
The result? I hit a new all time high in the beginning of May. I'm gonna post the number this time but only on my weigh in page. It's as public as I can get. One day it'll be front blog page-able, this a big step because in the beginning I wasn't able to say it at all.

  I believe I've said "I hit an all time high" earlier in this year but this new weight is my breaking point. I can't allow it to get any more out of control than it already is.

  I decided to count calories. To not eat processed foods, and to gradually eliminate white flour. To cut down my sugar intake and find healthier sugar/sweetner options. To eat veggies with every meal and at least 2 pieces of fruit a day. To not eat 'diet food', just real food. It's a starting point for me. It probably doesn't sound like a ground breaking plan to most people. But when you're not eating food and most of your meals are sweets, it is. I made a deal with myself to eat 3 meals a day.  I'm allowing treats when I feel like I want/need them but not big treats like Dairy Queen Blizzards, Reese's Big Cups or anything like that. The majority of my calories has to come from my meals, everyday.

   I found my way to this blog post. After reading it many times and checking out the calculators she mentions in the post, I decided to give it a try. I figured out all my numbers on the calculator and started eating with in that range. Which is MORE calories than I ever ate when I was on a "DIET". I was skeptical that I'd lose any weight eating than much. I figured in a weeks time if my weight went up I'd stop and figure out something else to follow. But, IT DIDN'T! I lost 1.6 lbs in the first week.

  Was it because I ate food and not mostly sugar? I think so. Was it because a body this size needs a lot more than 1200-1800 calories? Yes. When I was eating only sweets I wasn't getting the nutrients my body needed. When 'dieting' I was eating such low calories I was 'starving' no wonder why my body was holding on to the weight.

   I'm not 'cured' I have a lot of weight to lose. I still have to fix my feelings towards the food. I still need to learn ways to cope with the emotions that drive me to want to eat chocolate.  After a months time, even though this new plan has been working for me. I'm getting sloppy/lazy/slipping. It's working and I should be flying high on the thrill that the number on the scale's going down. But.. I'm tired of prepping, cooking and cleaning. I want it to be over already.

  Newsflash, it'll never be over. Even when I get to goal I will need to eat. I need to learn to make time so that it'll be easier. I know this, just gotta figure out how to make it work.

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