I'm still here

I've been M.I.A. for a while. I've had a lot of good and bad stress, since the beginning of this year. In Jan. my uncle passed away, I hurt my shoulder and had a really, really bad cold. In Feb. we had some major changes in our living space, which thankfully is close to settled. My car over heated and the head gasket is cracked which means antifreeze and oil mixed and since the car is a 1997 it's not worth fixing. The sad part about this is I got the car from my mom, who barely used it, 3 years ago. It only had 25,000 miles on it! I managed to get it up to 60,000 miles but I was hoping to keep this car for at least another 5 years. I am really bummed at the thought of car shopping and the unexpected cost it entails.

All the ups and downs have thrown off my schedule and overall mojo. I haven't worked out since I did the virtual 5k. My feet and legs still don't feel good and that helps me make excuses to not exercise. I haven't been eating well and have gained weight. I weighed in two weeks ago and saw a new all time high. I was devastated. I weighed in last week and had come down 3 lbs. still leaving me higher than my last all time high. I just feel really hollow when I think about it, kinda detached.

I feel like I'm just gonna keep gaining until I pop (mentally or physically).  My feet, ankle, hips and low back hurt all the time. Why aren't these signals from my body enough to help me make a change and really start taking care of myself? It's made me very depressed, I am starting to have trouble fitting into my clothes too. At times I seriously wish I could be taken away from myself and let someone who gives a crap take care of me.

I'm having a "I hate food and wish I didn't have to eat" spell. Most of the time I prefer cookies/ chocolate over food. In fact, I can't even say that I HAVE a favorite meal. I never know what to order when I'm at a restaurant because I actual loathe all of it.

I took a hiatus from all the podcasts, websites and blogs I read. I get so overwhelmed and start feeling like I just don't know what to eat or do. After a while NONE of it makes sense anymore and something that should be natural is completely foreign.

I just don't know how to get myself refocused.